Memories Lost in Time
by Arsacid
Summary: Draco Malfoy confronts the ghost of his past after nineteen years. I may continue this, but for now, it's a one shot. Inspired by "Cotton Sheets" by youcanreachthestars.


It was a dreary, cold September day with the gloom being held off by one thing alone; Hogwarts was about to begin for the year. Draco Malfoy stood beside his wife and son, lost in memories of 26 years ago when it was him in Scorpius's place, so full of confidence and a sense of purpose, his father whispering soft words of advice and encouragement to him, his mother's eyes glinting with pride and tears of joy and the sorrow of parting. Fate had come full circle now and it was his turn to pass on the standard to his son, he mused as he looked out onto the platform, covered in swirling mist from the fumes of the train's engine. The ghosts of his past walked everywhere he looked; he saw Percy Weasley rattling off about broomstick regulations, Hermoine Granger and Ronald Weasley with kids of their own and _him._ Harry Potter, his old rival turned archenemy turned ally who saved his life in the battle twice, standing there with his friends and family. They had exchanged a brief nod before the mist obscured him from view again, but the feeling of having been punched in the gut remained, the shock of it making his heart pound madly. For the first time, he had realized that so many years had passed and so much had passed with it. All those he had had enmities and friendship with; Potter, Weasley, Granger, Longbottom, Crabbe, Goyle, Pucey, Flint, Pansy…His throat constricted at the last name. Memories unbidden came back; whispering over scrollwork in the library, sipping Butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, twirling happily in each other's arms on the dance floor during the Yule Ball, sharing a heartfelt kiss under the mistletoe one Christmas Eve…how had all that been lost in all these years? The war had taken everything they had once held so dear, leaving behind nothing but memories and regrets, which did nothing but hurt and shatter already aching and broken hearts.

He cast a side-glance at his wife Astoria who was giving their son a hug and whispering her love for him; it stabbed Draco in the heart, because he knew that the Blood-Curse would strike soon, taking her away from their forever. He remembered how he had pleaded with her to consider his advice to remain childless; he could not afford to lose anyone more, having lost so many that night so long ago. But she had been insistent that they have a child; he would still have a part of her after she was gone. He cast his gaze at Scorpius, who was oblivious to the truth and turmoil of it all. He wondered what effect it would have on the boy if he learned the truth behind it all, that he was the one who in a way would be the cause of his mother's passing. No, he could never know this; he had borne too many burdens on his shoulders himself to let the knowledge of being responsible for a death to weigh his son down with guilt all his life. Scorpius would never know this and he'd make sure of it.

The shrill whistle of the engine snapped him out of his stupor; the Hogwarts Express was due to depart. It was time to say their final goodbyes and Draco pulled his son into a hug.  
"We're going to miss you, Scorpius. Write to us every week and don't hesitate to ask if you need something" he said, tightening his grip around him.

"I will, Dad" his son answered, voice muffled from his face being pressed against his father's chest. "I think I should board now." The boy was clearly embarrassed.

He let go of his son, who was pulled into another embrace by his wife, gentler but just as loving. "Write every day, not every week."

Scorpius rolled his eyes, partly amused and partly exasperated. "Yes, mother."

Draco laughed, "Now off you go." Scorpius picked up his trunk and walked over to the carriage and stepped in and disappeared momentarily from sight, reappearing in a window not far from them, waving. They both waved back, even as the train gave a final whistle and the smoke grew even thicker and the train lurched forward, calling out their final goodbyes, even as their son did his. All around there were similar yells of joy, with tears being shed and handkerchiefs being waved, but Draco was oblivious to it all, the centre of his world at that moment being his son's face, lit up with joy and excitement as it drew away further and further. The train was picking up pace and it was receding at a rapid rate from view. Then, the train let out a final bugle and finally departed from the platform and Scorpius's face was lost in the distance and smoke. Draco's hand dropped to his side, a bittersweet feeling raging through him, rooting him to the spot. Beside him, his wife sobbed quietly and he mechanically put his hand around her to soothe her, but he was lost in the storming sea of his own emotions, his eyes having misted over. And through the mist, he saw a figure that he at first dismissed as the figment of his own reminiscence of his past, but when it persisted after he had dabbed at his eyes, he was more alert and looked closely. She was dressed in black and was gazing directly at him, but as soon as they made eye contact, she turned and disappeared into the crowd. Draco was stunned; _could it really be_ , he thought as he stood there, holding his wife even as the crowd began to thin and the smoke faded. Long he stood there thus, until he finally collected his wits and comforted his wife till she regained her composure. He then whispered, "Astoria, I need you to get back home without me. I have an appointment today which I have to attend and I may be late."

She gaped at him in astonishment, "You didn't tell me you had an appointment today."

He'd expected this and quickly lied, "I had forgotten in the whole rush for this; I'm due to meet some collector I had arranged an appointment with a month ago. I'd planned it for the evening tomorrow but I got an owl saying that he'd be leaving early tomorrow morning on some emergency and it's now or never. It completely slipped my mind to inform you" he added, guiltily.

Astoria smiled sadly and patted his cheek, "It's alright, my love. Just make sure you come back as early as possible." She kissed him on the cheek, stepped back and Disapparated, leaving him all alone on the platform, the crowd having already left. A cold wind swept through the platform and he looked up to see grey clouds which had covered the sky unnoticed by him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, even as another draught buffeted him, chilling him to his bones, his coat offering no protection against it.

He was not alone on the platform and he knew it. And he knew also knew that he'd find her and where he'd find her. What he didn't know was how she'd take it and what he could say. There was no healing all the pain that nineteen years' passing left behind and the ghosts of the past would always chase them, whether in waking memory or agonized nightmares. He stepped forward and advanced towards a seemingly empty stall whose door stood slightly ajar and steeled himself for what he would see behind that door. He walked over straight to it and making the least noise possible, he pushed open the door.

She was seated on the ground, head held between her knees, hands covering her head. Nothing about her reflected the strong-willed brazen Slytherin he once knew, the one who'd fawned over him so many times in the past, yet had become his emotional support as the years at Hogwarts rolled by, maturing and being more caring and understanding. He stood there, taking in the sight of what his past had thrown at him before sinking to his knees and laying his hand softly on her shoulder.

"Pansy."

Her head shot up and for a moment, she gazed wildly with her glazed, dark eyes, comprehending what she saw, yet unbelieving. She breathed wildly, her chest heaving, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Pansy", he said again, his voice wavering this time.

"You're real", she answered and reached out slowly. Ever so slowly, she brought her hand closer to him and it finally settled on his cheek, grazing it softly and she whispered softly, "You're real."

And just like that, she leaped up in a swift motion and bolted out of the door.

"Pansy!" he called out desperately and gave chase. She ran stumbling, her sobs carrying over the thudding of her feet on the tiles, rending Draco's heart to tinier pieces with each one. "PANSY!" he yelled again, quickening his pace, drawing ever closer, yet painfully just out of reach. He threw everything he had in him and sprung, grabbing her arms and turning her around, pulled her close. She began to sob and squirm harder, fighting desperately to break free, but he was just as desperate and held on for dear life, even as her nails unconsciously dug into his flesh, drawing blood.

"Pansy, please", he said, almost on the edge of breaking down himself. "Please, my love, just hear me out, please."

To his complete surprise, she stopped struggling. Then, she sank into his arms and buried her head in his chest, sobbing all the while. Nothing needed to be said and Draco rested his chin softly on her head, holding her tight, inhaling her sweet scent, caressing her back as he had done all those years ago in Hogwarts. For a long time they stood locked in embrace, until a chill wind gusted through the platform and they broke apart, staring at each other in the eyes. There were only three changes in her appearance he could identify, yet they transformed her completely to his eyes; she'd grown her hair to her waist but it seemed to lack it's former luster, her once proud eyes held defeat in them and there were lines of care all over her face, aging her before her time, making her look far older than her thirty-six years of age. They both teetered on the edge of speech, unwilling to break the silence, afraid of what to say and how it might affect the other. But it could not last and Draco went first, "I'm sorry. For everything. It does nothing to take away all the suffering of these years, but it would've killed me if I didn't say it to you."

Her chin trembled and she began to speak, "Draco, you did nothing that I hold against you. I could see what was happening to you when the war began and I can see how it broke you inside. You did the right thing by moving on; there's never a point in looking back in regret."

His eyes watered, "Pansy, where had been all this time? I tried to seek you out after the war; why didn't you come back to me?", he demanded.

She bent her head down and whispered, "Because I realized that you'd never have been happy with me, Draco. I'd sensed you drifting away from me from the sixth year and though I tried to fight it, I knew that you needed more than what I could give you. Letting go was painful, but I had to do for you, no matter what the cost. If it meant disappearing from the wizarding world, then so it was to be and that's what I did."

Her words stabbed at him deep; she'd torn her heart out for him. He'd known that he was all she lived for but the darkness of those years had made him blind. He had searched for her after the war, but when he couldn't find her, he'd swallowed down all the memories and pain and moved on. She, on the other hand, had lived with the ghosts of the years past and the shattered dreams of a future she'd longed for. The years had not been kind to her and it was evident from a single look at her. In the end, that was his fault. He stood there for long in silence, holding her tight to his chest, savouring the contact which he had taught himself to forget so long ago. So much had happened, so much that once was was all but memory now and there were some wounds that could never be healed, pains that the passing of time only intensified.

But maybe it wasn't too late to salvage what was left; maybe he could still find a way to soothe away the hurts and to bring some semblance of happiness back to their lives. Maybe, just maybe, they could get what both of them had once dreamed of in a sunnier and more innocent past. After all, there was a second chance for everything and this seemed to be it; their meeting once again seemed to be proof of it. And he knew something that could help.

There was a sudden break in the clouds which had gathered overhead and the sunlight shone on them, bathing her dark hair and bringing out every shade in it, lighting up her tear-drenched face. He smiled at her and bringing his face close to hers, he whispered, "Step on my feet."

Confusion was etched across her face at this and she said "What? Why?"

"Please, Pansy, just do it" he urged.

He did so, evidently nonplussed, and as she did, he tightened his grip around her and whispered "Now hold tight" and he began to rise off the ground slowly. Pansy yelped in shocked and clutched him tightly, making him wince, but he reassured her "It's alright; look into my eyes and don't look down. I won't let you fall." She looked at him softly and relaxed her grip, drawing closer and resting her head against his chest as they rose higher and higher. As they did, Draco managed to pull out his wand and cast two charms of Disillusionment and Breathing on them. On and on they went until they passed above the clouds through the large gap that had opened in them and soon the rainclouds looked like a soft grey blanket stretching out for miles below them. He then checked their ascent and cast suspensory charms on them both and said whispered "We've stopped now, take a look." She did so and gasped, looking out in wonder, no longer terrified, before turning back to him.

"It's beautiful!" she intoned.

He smiled and gently gripped her hand "Let's go for a walk. It's fine; I cast suspensory charms on us" he added, rolling his eyes with amusement as she stared incredulously at him. And that settled it and they began to walk through the air, holding hands, her head resting on his shoulders. They walked in silence for a time, content to be in each other's company, but soon they began to talk to each other by degrees. She told him how she'd had some money stored away and had used a false name to disappear from the wizarding world and took up residence in a manor somewhere in Norfolk, far from the eyes of the wizarding and Muggle communities alike, with enough wealth to spend her days comfortably, if lonely, she'd added, her voice having quavered at that. In turn, he told her about his personal life and hobbies after the war and about Astoria's curse, his own voice shaking at it. He told her about Scorpius and all his years growing up to this day. They eventually stopped and sat down up in the air, Pansy leaning back against his chest, his legs entwined around her. He began to play with her hair as he'd done when they were still in Hogwarts and she'd loved it then and loved it now, a soft smile playing across her lips as he caressed her hair, braiding it softly into plaits and then letting go to watch the curls bounce.

"Why'd you come? To the platform, I mean."

There was silence for a moment. "I wanted to live it all again…and to see you with my eyes once again." She swallowed. "Why'd you stay back?"

He had to struggle to make sure his voice didn't waver. "I couldn't leave without slaying both our hearts again."

She didn't reply, but rather stared out into the distance for a moment before saying, "Do you remember how it was in the past? We used to sit on the top of the hill near the Lake, just as we are now?" He nodded. "Well, this is quite like it but far more beautiful." She reached out to touch his face. "You've aged to become far more handsome than I'd ever imagined you'd become. So much so, it breaks my heart to just look at you", she said, biting her trembling lip. A lump rose in his throat and he planted a soft kiss on her forehead, caressing it softly and staring into those dark eyes which just held a tiny bit of that old spark they'd held so long ago.

They remained quiet afterward, she resting her head against his chest and he playing with her dark, silky locks. They didn't move even as the sun began to sink lower in the sky and the blanket of grey beneath them thickened, oblivious to all but each other and then pain and fear of the inevitable weighing down on their hearts. It was only until the light began to fade that they were roused from their reveries and reluctantly they stood up, holding each other's hands.

"We've got to go back now" Draco mumbled softly, unwilling to do so. She merely nodded in response. He sighed softly and pulling out his wand, he pointed it at the clouds below, muttering some words and a break appeared in them. He looked at her and she understood, stepping on his feet. And even as he began his spell, she drew her face close to him and kissed him.

His heart leapt and his insides burned with passion that he hadn't felt for nineteen years when he'd made love with Pansy. He slowed their descent downwards and began to kiss her back in earnest, tasting her lips hungrily, throwing every feeling rending him apart from inside into it. He felt as if fire was surging through his veins and it felt so good, such sweet release, lifting all the burdens he'd carried with him since the war. Down they locked in their kiss, through the gap in the clouds which closed above them as they sailed through it, oblivious to all but one another, slowly drifting back to ground, dreading what was to follow, yet fighting it back by pressing their lips harder against the other's in desperation, unwilling to give up without a fight, yet knowing deep within that it wasn't one they could win. And so they remained until they finally came down to earth, feet touching the ground softly, yet they clung on, until a final gust of wind, colder than any before it swirled across the platform, an ominous and forbidding sign that their time together was at an end and they broke apart.

It was pitch black now and the sky above seemed ready to burst, as if mourning what was to come next. The only illumination came from the light of the deserted shed nearby, leaving half of Pansy's face covered in shadow, yet clearly illuminating the grief etched on her visage in it's soft golden light.

"Pansy", he began, "I-"

She put her fingers against his lips, silencing him and whispered, her heart breaking with every word "You've _nothing_ to be sorry about, Draco. It's me who was wrong to simply disappear without an explanation and I see it now. I'm sorry, my love, for the grief I've caused you and the grief it always will cause you." He wanted to cry out, his features twisting with the suppressed need to tell her that she was wrong, that he was to blame for all she'd been through. But she hadn't finished yet.

"I don't regret anything for having given seven years of my life at Hogwarts to you, Draco. They were the happiest ones I've ever had, but we can never have them back. I only wish I could've given you all the years of my life, but you've got someone far more worthy now. Love her, Draco and love your son". She was crying now and he took the chance to blurt out, "Pansy, we can work it out. It doesn't have to end this way. You could marry me; Astoria doesn't have the years to live and I'm sure she'd give her blessing."

She sobbed harder and said "It's been nineteen years, Draco. Our youth is over and we cannot bring back all the years we've lost. Besides, it wouldn't work out; I'm in disgrace till my dying day for having offered to hand over Potter that night. Also, Scorpius would hate it if someone took the place of his mother." She shook her head, silencing him from voicing out his protests. "Always keep me in your heart, Draco. That'll be more than enough for me to live by. Promise me." All he could do was nod and he fell apart, her words having crushed any hopes he had nursed. She smiled through the haze of her pain and said, "I'll always love you, Draco, to my last breath. Always." She threw herself onto him and kissed him again and he kissed her back fiercely, aware that this could never happen again and driven to maddening despair for it. He wanted it last forever, her in his arms, her scent drowning out all others and her lips tasting like wine, intoxicating him and invigorating him. But all too soon, it was over and she stepped back, still holding his hand and whispered "Goodbye, my love. Goodbye!" and her face twisted in the pain of parting as she let go of his hand and Disapparated. A sole teardrop flew through the air and landed on his outstretched palm as he stood on the now deserted platform alone, staring out ahead of him where there was now nothing.

He had failed because he was wrong; there was really nothing that could destroy the cruelty of fate which had thrown them together and torn them apart. The were no longer young and seventeen; he was Draco Malfoy, thirty-six years of age with a son and was a soon to be widower and she was no longer the Pansy who looked with hope towards a future with him, but was now the fallen child of one of the greatest Pure-Blood families on the Sacred Twenty-Eight, her life and name ruined in the aftermath of the war's end. Life would simply not permit them to rebuild with what was left and that was how it stood.

And then it began to rain, the skies finally shedding their tears, the drops pummeling the ground in force. Draco sank to his knees and for the first time in nineteen years, he began to cry in earnest, sobbing over all that he'd lost, his tears lost in rain as memories were lost in time.


End file.
